It's been two weeks today since I was told I could have a break from cancer treatment, and i’ll be honest, although I had every intention of going out and grabbing life if I was gifted this break, it has taken me 2 weeks of being on an absolute rollercoaster to finally start to land - and i’m saying this less than 24 hours after that rollercoaster hit its peak.
The reality is, even though a break from treatment sounds great, and IS great, especially after 6 years of it, non stop! It is still a big change non the less. As much as the routine of weekly treatment has not been the vibe I wanted for the past 10 months, it was a routine I embraced and embedded into my life. I didn’t like having to spend Thursday and Fridays in hospital every week, but now… what do I do with those 2 extra days.
(as I was writing this I was interrupted by the postman delivering a surprise gift from a charity that supports young adults with cancer - as if they knew I needed that this today!)
When you are someone, like me and I think most of us, who create routine and ritual, to have that disrupted is unsettling. Not only that, but coming off one treatment, doesn’t mean it stops, there are other things to navigate. I now need to remember to take a pill once every day again, I need to deal with the discomfort in my body that the chemo was masking and/or the new medication i’m taking is creating. So even when a good change is happening, a change you welcome, there is still disruption. It can still be unsettling.
My Yoga teacher shared this quote today - “You think you can’t do it, but then you expand” and it hit me. This is what change is about. Just expanding into it. Good. or bad, change requires expansion, so we can land again.
I have become a master at death and re-birth, cyclical living, being flexible, resilient, transforming, expanding…and there are a few things that stay true for me through all of it, words that ring in my head always, and help me expand into the changes.
ACCEPTANCE - SURRENDER - EMBODIMENT
I often think these things to myself when I need a little talking to or I need to anchor myself in the storm.
What do I need to accept about this situation?
What am I not surrendering too?
How do I need to practice embodiment right now?
I want to share what these things mean to me and how these 3 things hold me through the absolute tornado that is life. Because I am sure many of you feel like you are in the eye of the storm too, just holding as tightly as you can and hoping for the best.
ACCEPTANCE
In Gene Keys the two opposite ends of the spectrum for acceptance are constriction vs. universal love. Constriction keeps us from letting in what is happening to us. It is the victimhood that we live in, the ‘woe is me’ mindset - which is all totally valid btw - BUT doesn’t get us anywhere. Constriction is the thing that tells us it's not fair, this shouldn’t be happening to me, I don’t know how i’m going to cope, but keeps us stuck there in that spiral. It is the thing that tells us to mask our pain, and where a lot of toxic positivity of “affirm your way to a better mindset” gets caught up.
Acceptance is simply an acknowledgement that ‘it’ IS happening. It’s like knowing there is a storm coming, but there is nothing you can do about it, so you just prepare for the damage it might create as it rips through. There’s no point getting caught up in the constrictive thoughts of how rain and wind ruin your plans… weather happens. So allow it, and prepare for it. Better yet, find ways to embrace it. What gratitude can you find in those rainy days? Can you also find some gratitude within the situation you are currently learning to accept?
Accepting begins with the physical body. Where does your body feel constricted, where are you holding, masking, where do you need to allow more ease, and say hey - I see you, I feel you, it is OK that you are here.
Let. It. Be.
Read that again and let the tension release a little bit from your body.
“Whatever we’re experiencing in life – however hard – bring our awareness to our physicality, to the sensations and discomfort in our body. Never mind about our feelings or our thoughts. They’ll come later. We begin with the physical. We just allow our body to feel what it feels.” – Richard Rudd
SURRENDER
I think surrender is often seen as a ‘lie down and take it’ idea. Like you’ve given up and rolled over.
It isn’t.
THAT type of surrender is about becoming so frustrated that you throw your hands up and give up trying. Surrendering really, is peaceful, and soft. It is brave, and it is for your highest good. To me this is about seeing where you are just pushing a metaphorical boulder up a hill, putting all your energy and life force behind it, and nothing changing. Where are you not surrendering? Sometimes, it is OK to say, you know what… life is happening this way and I need to just let it, stop trying to block it, and ride alongside it. That is surrender. First comes the acceptance that it is happening… now we surrender to living with it.
“The word surrender has significant roots, in which ‘render’ has the meaning to melt and ‘sur’ means super or highest. In other words, the true meaning of surrender is to melt into that which is higher than yourself. True surrender is a conscious choice made from free will.” — Margot Anand
Surrender for me, at the moment, and always, is about flexibility. It is knowing that my life it always changing, and a curve ball could roll around that corner next month, next week, or tomorrow. By being in a relationship with this idea of ‘melting into that which is higher’, I am more able to just flow with it, and relax into it. I hold nothing too tightly, and I keep everything movable. Metaphorically my doors are not longer locked, and what needs to come in, will and I will make space for it somehow.
For example, routines and rituals that have become so important to my daily practice. I used to hold myself so tightly to a morning routine, I was regimented with my yoga and meditation practice. I did 10 mins of X, 20 mins of Y. But now I keep it fluid.
My morning routine now consists of -
Elimination & Hydration - tongue scraping etc, water
Embodied movement - Whatever my body needs that day, not a full practice, just gently stretches a short yoga flow, maybe just leaning into one pose for 10 minutes.
Breath - however much I want that day
Stillness - meditation, contemplation
In that order, but with no schedule. There’s no ‘must do this for 30 mins’! It is simply about showing up for myself everyday, and surrendering to the day. The rigidity of holding ourselves to a routine only for life to get in the way is just another excuse to talk shit to ourselves for not doing it or for ‘failing’.
EMBODIMENT
Ahhh embodiment, one of the many words that gets thrown around a lot these days. I felt icky for a long time even using this word, but honestly I’ve tried to find an alternative to it and I can’t.
Embodiment is - bringing something into physical form, making it tangible, visible even. It is closing the loop on all our mind, body, soul practices and pulling everything back in to centre, and into the present. This for me is where everything lands. This is what I mean when I say “Coming home to myself”.
Embodiment is a state of being in which your mind and body are in communication, or better yet, acting as one. An embodiment practice is just about bringing your awareness back into your body. It helps us cultivate a more intimate relationship with our physical senses, emotions and stress responses and grounds us into the present moment.
This is where Human Design can help. Having a deeper understanding of how my energy moves through my body,
Embodiment is crucial to our healing, if we want to address the physical symptoms manifesting in our body. In situations like I’m in now where I am moving through periods of change and trying to land somewhere, embodiment practices help gently bring me back to the reality of what is happening here and now. What is true, right now. How do I feel, in this moment.
One of the easiest ways I find to do this is to ‘sense check’. Simply checking in with each of your senses, and seeing what you can see, hear, smell, taste and feel, and spending a bit of time with each one.
There are many more embodiment practices I could share with you, but right now simply LANDING is exactly what has been working for me.
Acceptance of what is.
Surrender to the flow of it all.
Embodiment in my present truth.
What has come of this for me are some interesting life shifts, next moves, and feelings about what I want to do with my time, and I’ll share more of that soon.
🐚 OTHER NEWS & UPDATES
Human Design & Gene Keys sessions are opening up again. The time feels right!
Since the last time I was open for bookings a lot has expanded and deepened in my practice with both of these systems. I’ve done much deeper study into areas of Human Design relating to wellness, health and embodiment, and have become a Gene Keys Guide through the Gene Keys organisation. The depth of these two systems has been so supportive to me, so it feels like now is the time to begin sharing with others again. If this sounds like something you want right now, let me know, or keep an eye out for an email coming next week.
Embodiment & Wellness sessions are also being cooked up at the moment for those of you wanting more health and healing related support.
I am also cooking up a low key ‘club’, ’nook’, ’teahouse’, a little meeting point kind of space on here (the internet) to house classes, workshops, audios, books etc.
There will also some podcasting happening on here soon. Again, very chill, low key… we are moving into this next phase of life with the themes of deep rest, nourishment, slow living, softness, so i’m taking the pressure off to make anything fancy, just surrendering to showing up as it happens.
As we hurtle towards summer I’ve been looking over my seasonal planner for this month, that I do on Notion and honestly is my absolute anchor throughout the seasons, to remind myself what my values and themes were back in March. Reading words like, gentle, integration, service, experience, balance, somatic, collective, are helping remind me of my intentions. I highly recommend doing this - seasonally, not monthly, because honestly months just fly by! Seasonally gives you chance to ground into it, make things happen, really try it on for size and live in it!
In summary it has reminded me that slow, low key, cosy vibes are IN. That means more time spent here, creating cosy spaces, being in service, but also being present IRL. Just keeping those scales balanced.
Wishing you balance in your own life,
Lea ♥️